In my family alcohol has always been something used to have fun.
For example celebrations.
It is used as a social lubricant, or just to let loose.

If there is a problem no one in my family drinks.
I remember when I was younger, our family was going through a very tough time. I remember my mother drinking and getting drunk. My father wasn't around, and I had to handle the situation. My mother has never done that before or ever again. No one in my family has.

I think I decided at that time that handling stressful situations with alcohol is negative and unsuccessful. I am not saying that I am the best at stress control, or problem solving. But I make due with what I have. 

Recently has been a very tough time for me and my friends. The job market is bad, the classes are hard and there is too much work. Standards are being held to an unachievable height and personal drama seems to be sprouting up like weeds. Many of us are handling it the way I am. No sleep, no food just work. When your adviser tells you your work sucks, you smile and fix it. Hold it all inside. Curse the world and have the random moments when you are just not sure you can make it back to your room before you collapse on the floor crying.

Then, there are some of us who are handling it with alcohol. They drink themselves happy? Or drink away their problems? I am not sure what is the point.

A friend told me recently that she found out the dog breeder that she was going to buy a dog from was actually pretty much a puppy mill. Her way of handling it was drinking herself into a belligerent state. Apparently so bad that her roommate commented on her behavior the next day in a very negative way.

I hear similar stories like this more often then I would like to admit. It worries me. I am sure I was brainwashed in school. It is what they are best at. But a story like that just doesn't sit right inside of me.

My father told me one thing to be aware of when I decide to settle down with a man. "Find someone who doesn't drink. Find someone who does not deal with their problems using alcohol. All alcohol does is cause problems."

My father is always correct, and he would not lie to me.

Doc uses alcohol to deal his problems.

Well I am totally going to eat my words from a post a while ago.
Doc and I are back together. This makes me happy! We had a talk, and it ends up he was just being stupid and pig headed. He ended up being my late valentines day person and got me this super neat thing:



You drop this thing in the tea pot with hot water and a flower blooms out of the thing. Pretty neat!! I heard it is good tea as well.

Also, yours truly finally has a fucking job! Nice pay and I'll be close by still, not as close as I am at school but like 5-10 minute difference by train. I am now a Schering Ploug representative! I am pretty excited about moving out on my own, but then also really scared. I need to start looking at apartments and stuff.

I got a 5k starting bonus, and I want to go on vacation, who wants to go???

Anyways, this new found job means Ruky is a lazy asshole who doesn't want to do anymore work if it is hard. It is so hard to focus anymore. =/

And now for the most horrible news.
My baby died. My parents put her to sleep like 2 days before I came home. I knew she was dead. I miss her so much. Relationships with dogs are just so much easier than with people. My best friend is dead.



RIP Goldie Han. I love you sweetheart!

New place to go to add to the list:

The Morgan Library and Museum



http://www.themorgan.org/public/programByCategory.asp?id=Film

Free movies!!


And something I wish I could go see but I have class at that time =/

Christiane Joy (the designer, famously known as Karen O’s costume creator), is having a show opening this Thursday night in NYC. It’s open invite, no rsvp necessary, just show up (very punk rock- love that).




http://www.christianjoy.us/costumes.html

Interesting concept: “The artist’s friends and family were invited to present her with a written description of a female being. She then designed costumes to represent each being, gave the costumes to her friends, and had them incorporate the costume into a photograph or creation of their own. The result of it all is found in The Visitors Must Be Amused.”

I hear space is literally limited tho’, so get there early:  Thursday, Feb. 12, 6-9 pm

 

AUDIO VISUAL ARTS (AVA)

34 East 1st Street

New York, New York 10003

 

After party to follow at Arlo & Esme 42 E. 1st St. b/w 2nd & 3rd Ave.

If you go take lots of pictures so I can see too!

** totally stolen from MissBehave.com

Okay so I totally don't get it, I sleep like 7-9 hours a night every night and I still have the most ridiculous circles!!!


So I guess I have to start sleeping more? Or maybe I went so long with out sleeping that this is what happened. Well I guess I could do the hipster thing and go with huge glasses!


I noticed recently I take a lot of pictures of things that I think are great but I never do anything with them. I take a lot of these pictures with my phone though. I think it is because in most instances I have my phone with me and it conveniently has a camera attached. This makes me want to buy a new camera because mine is so big and bulky. My camera is not broken so I feel guilty buying a new camera, but then I never use my camera so it will never break. It is a vicious cycle.

These days I am looking for really neat events that I can go to and have tons of fun at. In Philly the first Friday of every month there is an event known as "First Friday."  A whole bunch of art galleries in old city open their doors to the public at night. Everyone wanders around from gallery to gallery looking at the new art and collecting the free booze that is offered at most galleries. I want to go to more events like that! Even though they sound totally silly I had a lot of fun!

So I have decided that I really like Lilly Allen. I think she has the cutest cheery face and she isn't too horrible as a singer. Maybe I just think she is cute.
I really like this song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TDQHEWQWemA

In other news, Doc is apparently in Afghanistan. He called me before he left, but I was at a friends. I told him I would talk to him on the next day, never talked to him, but he sent me a bunch of text messages saying he was leaving and an email.  So I never got to talk to him. I am kind of worried but there is nothing I can do so I just have to forget about it. 

My baby is still alive at least! She is getting really weak though and I am worried about her. I decided dogs really are amazing creatures. Goldie loves me the most out of everyone in my family. I hate to say it but I think I love her the most out of all the dogs, she really is just like one of the family. I am away from her for such long times, and I only get to see her for abbreviated periods of time. She is obviously dying, and yet every time I come home she is so happy. Like all the time I spend away doesn't matter in the least bit. She is never upset with me when I leave and come back. She always looks so cheery when I come back, even if it is just me coming back from being outside with out her. She lays her head in my lap falls asleep just like always. I think if people were more like dogs the world would be a little happier. I think I am going to try to be more like my dog when dealing with emotions. I also need to work on my puppy eyes!!


I wish I could bring her to school with me. I honestly wish she was a lap dog so I could bring her to class, and to work. Take her every where with me! 
I hope that when she goes to sleep I can be there. The last thing I want her to see is me happy to be with her, and I want to scratch her ears the way she likes. I don't think anyone else is as good at Goldie ear scratching as I am!

So I still have my job! Which is very good because I am starting to run low on money.

So now my schedule is pretty much as follows:
Monday - Thursday : night class
Tuesday - Thursday : afternoon research
Tuesday - Thursday : working in the morning

I have decided I am going to start going to the gym maybe. Or at least start doing my work out routine, sit ups and push ups.

I am going to try to be more social too. Okay that is a total lie, I'm not going to run up and star talking to people but I might smile every once in a while.

I think I need to start coming up with a list of things to do as well.

Start of my list:

I have never been to the Guggenheim, i want to go. I want to go to the First Friday event they have
http://www.guggenheim.org/new-york/membership/member-programs/first-fridays

I also have never been to the Rubin Museum of Art, they offer a pretty neat thing on Fridays where they play a movie and its free as long as you do a $7 drink minimum
http://www.rmanyc.org/index.xml?context=/


Gotta keep building on it!

I think I need to start taking pictures and posting them.

I think my grammar skills and communication skills are very weak, so I decided to post a little more and maybe this will help me work on those long forgotten skills.

In the last couple of weeks I have had quite a few things to do.
1.         School started, and with this being my last semester I have to prove to the school that I can graduate with both degrees by the end of this semester.
2.         I had my first second interviews, one for Schering Plough and one for PSEG. 
3.         I decided my relationship with Doc was not working, and broke up with him.

 

( way too much writing )

 

I am pretty sure no one reads this anymore. I guess I just have a lot of stuff on my mind and I want to let it out.

I am so scared that I'm going to graduate and get a job doing something I dislike. I go for like 2 interviews a week and all of them sound amazing when the interviewer is sitting in front of you telling you how great it will be working for their company. But they are promoting the company, I guess that is part of their job. By this time I feel like HR people are heartless puppets wandering the earth with plastic smiles glued to their faces.



Even the engineers who interview me act like there is something disconnected up top. I think I can also assume this wonderful bullshit they feed me is just so I can be tricked into working for low pay and not feel ripped off because "our company is great". I guess I have to start looking for jobs outside of what the school is finding for us.

On the good side of things I am almost a pro at interviewing. Going to so many interviews takes the edge off things and after a couple interviews you understand what these people want you to say. I think it is actually kind of funny that they never ask us about any real engineering knowledge. Its always about our leadership skills. To be completely honest I have no idea why they do this. Why do they need to know this about me? I am not being hired as a manager I am being hired as a entry level peon. I would honestly think that these people would find out if I demonstrate leadership skills when I'm working. Do they really think it is fun to feed me these questions?

Example of the worst question I got so far:
"Say you are a police officer. There is an accident and you are asked to take care of the situation, what do you do?"
Answer: "I am not applying to be a police officer. If I wanted to be a police officer I would NOT have gone to school for chemical/environmental engineering." Then stand up and walk out as quickly as possible.

Really what the fuck? I mean are you really going to learn anything about me from my response? We are all trained to respond to these fucking questions. It is stupid. Stupid Stupid Stupid. Why don't they ask me how I would calculate how much cooling water would be needed for a reactor with a exothermic reaction? How about how would I clean the purge stream in their plant to keep them within environmental regulation? What if they contaminate the groundwater, how many wells should we put in to make sure all the contaminate is cleaned out?

Sadly I did not have everything so well together when I interviewed with Sunoco. Well I guess that is good cause why would I want to be stuck in the oil industry, right? So far what looks most promising is the nuclear industry. I mean nuclear power is apparently coming back.  Not that this is what I want to do either.

I am looking at the EPA now, and anything else that looks interesting. For example those companies that go around and provide clean drinking water to third world countries.

I wonder about solar powered desalination plants....

Anyway, my life sucks. I can't wait for Thanksgiving so I can go home and eat and do NOTHING. The semester is almost over, 4 weeks left including finals. Then next semester I have night class 4 days a week and research. Fridays off and most likely nothing to do.  I kind of wish I still had friends now so I could do something with them next semester, but I will probably end up just hanging out in the library reading.

Doc has been gone a month now. I miss him. I haven't spoken to him in a month, I guess he is okay. I hope he comes back after 3 months instead of staying for a whole year. He will probably end up staying for the entire year.

Today I retook a final, a 4 hour final on a wednesday after class. I retook the final because last semester I was sick during the final, so I was allowed to retake it.
I noticed something, finals are much easier to take when they are not during finals week!
Well I guess I should do a quick update on my life.
This is my very last year in school, hopefully, and after this I should be working. As of right now I am not interested in getting a phd. So this means that much of my time right now is devoted to that horrible act of job searching. 
I have no idea where I want to end up. Or what I want to do. I think I want to work for the government, but I was told they do drug testing on your hair (stupid I know).  So, I wonder if they would get mad?
Now I am trying to figure out what it is I really wanna do. I think I want to go into research and development, maybe for weapons. Then I could end up as a weapons inspector! Or maybe I want to do some sort of clean up/remediation job. Travel around to post war zones and clean up all that toxic stuff that was left behind. Or maybe I could do something with drinking water in non american countries.
I am going to end up working in New Jersey for like Exxon or Johnson and Johnson stabbing myself in the eye just to pass the time. I can feel it. That isn't really what I want to do, but it is something I am qualified for and already know how to do.
I guess I need to start utilizing the internet for things other than clothes and weird stuff.
On another note, classes are not as bad as they were the last two semesters. I have tons of group work and my group pretty much rocks, mainly cause I stuck to my asians,  Also I think Doc will be gone for a while, a couple months or a year or something. So that means my weekends are totally free again!
So I am up to do whatever there is to do! I miss having friends so I hope they all come back to me!

I am done with school mentally. I have been over worked this semester yet again.

I have been obsessively checking my email all day to learn my grade in one class. If I am happy with my grade I will not have to take the last test, if I am not happy with my grade, I will have to take the last test. I really do not want to take the last test.

My roommate should be leaving in a couple of hours, she is leaving at 2:30 in the morning. I want to be in bed by 1 am. This is not going to work. But thank god she is leaving.

Why can't he just email me my grade so I know if I can go home tomorrow or not. The wait is the thing that kills the most.

Plus I most likely will not get to see Doc again this weekend.

And I think I might be working in California over the summer.

This seems like it was a bad idea.

Well I went snowboarding for the first time this weekend, and it was really a lot of fun! I feel and stood back up just to fall again. But each fall was different and I couldn't help but laugh. Eventually I got the hang of it. I can now stop (huge plus) and I can also do the heel turns. No toe turns for me. I still fight with the lift each time but come on, who doesn't?
Classes are going okay this semester, I am averaging B's. This is not good because my scholarship requires me to be above 3.5. But I have been putting more effort into my homework so maybe I can do even better now.
I have also been sleeping more, I go to bed by around 11 or 12 and wake up at around 8 or 9. It is actually nice.
I woke up early to finish my homework this morning until I noticed I was actually done with it.
And I have decided I am going to have a single for next semester. I can't live with my roommate any more. I feel like what I do on my own time is my business, and she has no right to question me. So if I felt like sleeping away most of the day yesterday, who gives a shit? I don't! And questioning my bed time is not her place.
Anyway I'm just whining now.
Have a good day everyone! The sun is out, which means it is going to be a nice day!

Well, this semester is over.  Thank god.  I really suck this semester.  I got below a 3.0 which is very bad for me.  But I still have 3 semesters left to make up for it.  I guess I am not as good as I thought I was, over 20 credits and none of them BS classes it tends to be a lot of work.
Next semester I am taking 5 classes instead of 8 classes.  That will help me a lot, also I have no more CALCULUS! *cheer* 
On another note I don't like living with my roommate.  I wouldn't mind sharing a house with her, but I hate living in the same room as her.  She gets on my nerves and distracts me when I'm doing homework.  Even though I should be doing my homework in the library, I was really lazy this semester.  Or maybe I wasn't lazy,  I think I just had so much work that I couldn't do all of it and sleep.

Anyways, I have decided my life is very boring.  I think when I graduate I'm either going to:
a.) join the army or navy or air force in the public sector
b.) join the peace core or something like the peace core for a while

I want to travel and see things.  I want to go to all sorts of places. And even though I do want to work, I want to do something that doesn't involve me being inside all the time (being at a plant).  All in all I did like consulting, but I feel for chemical engineers there are more interesting things that I could do.

After Christmas I am going to start applying for summer jobs.  Hopefully I can get a job around bing so that I can stay home.   I need to make some money, I want to get paid over $20/hr again.  Anyways by only taking 5 classes next semester I am going to have to take 2 classes over the summer.  I really hope that the schools offer them at night so that I am able work and then go to class.  Also I don't have to put in too much effort because the grades don't transfer over. 

Well I am going to go sledding, hopefully I can talk my brothers into coming with me.

Wow, I think I just got the biggest burn ever.
I suppose it could be a story.  When I went out to California, I stayed with my "best friend" from high school.  We had a great time, hung out and did stupid stuff.  The last couple of days got a little stressful, as you can imagine, you can only spend so many days with the same person before there is tension cause you have to constantly be together.  Or maybe I can only spend so long with the same person for so long. 
Anyways, I was introduced to his girlfriend.  She was sweet, but boring, dull, nothing amazing about her.  He asked me for my honest opinion, and I gave it.  I think that pissed him off.  I went home.  We didn't speak for a while.  Okay, we didn't speak for almost a year.
He sent me a myspace message one day, which I found sickening, asking for my address in order to send me a invitation to his wedding.  Yes kids a message through myspace.  I gave him my address, and told him to call me. We played a little phone tag.  Then gave up.
Never got that invitation. 
He is married.  I wasn't invited. 
Another "best" friend's wedding I was not invited to.
And amazingly enough I feel betrayed.  Very betrayed. Make no assumptions, I never had any aspirations of us getting together, its not like that.  It is as if he is a girl friend. 
I keep pissing people off.  Am I really that hard to get along with? I don't understand.  I am guessing its me.  I must have a very abrasive personality.  Make no mistakes I do not feel sorry for myself.
I feel like I should cry.  I'm hurt.  And I'm sitting here thinking maybe I really don't have friends.
No one ever tries to keep in contact with me.  I have to do all the work for a friendship.  And I think its because people don't actually like me. 
I want to go home.  My family might not like me but they have to spend time with me.
 
Long Live The Ice Queen.
Fuck you all.
I don't need any fucking support

I think its time to admit I have a problem.  The past 3 times I have consumed alcohol, even though they were periods far apart,  I have gotten exceptionally intoxicated.  To the point where I black out.  I think I have some sort of problem. 
I get embarrassed for myself and my friends when I do this.  Each time I say I'm not going to drink too much, and each time I do.  And each time my friends tell me its alright, that they don't mind.  But I don't think that is true either. 
I think I need to give up drinking. 
Its bad for me anyways, plus it will make me fat.  And I don't have that kind of spending cash.
Good bye old friend, I think I'm too abusive to have a relationship with you.

My God.  Is there something wrong with me?  Why is everyone getting married?

But on a happy note look at these rockin new shoes I got!



(I also bought my frist pair of skinny jeans from UniqLo which altered them for free cause I'm so short)

Things are starting to unfold.  I can feel the strength in the ties of my family bend under the pressures.  It’s getting to me too.
I believe now what my parents told me, family stays with you always, friends fade away.  I see it happening now and there is really nothing I can do it about it. 
But this is good, it makes me look towards the future and not linger in the past.  Maybe I will be able to get a job over seas somewhere warm.  Ha maybe I'll even make a difference.
I also notice that I am very different from everyone else.  And I know that sounds silly, but its true.  I noticed that I worry about certain things just because I am not worried about them and everyone else is.  I see myself resorting back to my childhood shyness.  But is that such a bad thing?

But now its back to class work.  Wish me luck its all A's I'm hoping for.

when you look at the future what do you see?

am I just wasting time
is there any correct answer
why when I picture my future, I feel like it is wrong

We are in a state of emergency.
Well in a way our bridge survived the flooding, but we cannot get the cars over it because the road on the opposite side of the bridge is all gone. Luckily that is all that happened to us. The area is in a state of emergency, the whole area is flooded and dispite the 2 days of sun most of Binghamton and the surrounding towns are still under water. We leave for Florida on monday, flights are still on schedule, but the real question is how to get to the airport. Most of the roads have broken bridges and too much debris, or the bridges are still under water. It's absolutely horrible.
Morale is low.
here are a couple pictures, none of these are of our house.

So it is raining again. As long as the sun is out and it is not cold I don't mind. Despite the rain today has been a quite happy day. Nothing to speak of about today but I think that the rain is having a calming effect on my world.
Last night is something to speak of. Erik and I decided to try out a new restaurant. I guess it was on a darker street than I thought because after a horrible dinner, yuck, Erik and I got into my car. A man in an automatic wheelchair was coming so I didn't move my car so he could pass, I assumed he was cutting through the parking lot. But instead he runs into my car with his wheelchair and starts talking and wanting me to roll down my window. Now I must say he was not the friendliest looking bloke, he actually looked pretty creepy. Well I decided I had had enough of this and just drove off, and he tried to follow us in his wheelchair screaming. There is a possibility that he wanted help, but to be honest I didn't really want to take the chance. Plus I am little and even though Erik was with me, he was trying to bother me and not Erik. Maybe I am just too easily scared.

Well I am so bored I thought I might as well start this up again. I see Miss Jane has been at it as well. I'm looking for a job but the going is slow, no one seems to want to hire me. I guess I am not the right one for any job. All my friends at home are busy most of the time working. All I do anymore is bake and walk my dogs. God only knows.