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I have been having this feeling where I constantly have to be doing something these days. I don't like to be idle.

There are a couple of shows I like to watch that I watch when I get the urge, but other than that I have been feeling like I have to keep very busy. Like TV and the internet just suck away at my life. I have been reading and playing video games. Trying to keep in better contact with friends, and just get everything done that has to be done.

I have started going to the gym quite often. I normally go two days to do the treadmill or elliptical. Yoga twice a week (going to go to SonicYoga soon, hope it is nice) and an hour spin class once a week. On the weekends I have been trying to keep my time filled with friends, which makes me happy. Jo's boyfriend lives pretty close to me so we hang out more often now.

Work hasn't been too bad lately, as in I have had work so occupies my time during the day nicely. There are still crazy rumors flying every which way of lay offs and such so I have been updating my resume and looking for jobs during the day.

I have apparently developed a food allergy to something, not quite sure what it is yet. So I am waiting for the test results to come back from the allergy test. Hopefully it is not gluten that I am allergic to because that is in almost everything I eat. So I am thinking I will have to start cooking more often. I am thinking of doing bento boxes for lunch. Mainly because they are normally pretty close to vegan and gluten free.

Doc and I have not spoken in a month or longer. A week ago I sent him an email just telling him a couple of things that I now notice I should have done. I don't really know why I sent it, it seems silly. In a way I think it made me feel a little better. I guess this is good because our relationship was getting very unhealthy so ending it was best. But still, I miss him. I kind of wish things worked out differently, but I guess that is alright.

I also have not killed my roommate. For a while she was very clingy and I thought I might throw her out the window. But I have spaced myself from her and she seems to be getting the idea.

I feel like I might need a vacation soon. I wonder what it is like to go on vacation by yourself?

Merry Christmas!

For the first time in a long time I am happy to be home just because I get to be with my family. Not to get away from the pressure of school. Not to get away from other people. Not because it is something to do for vacation. I am just happy to be home.

I guess I noticed this week that all I really want right now is family. I am kind of sad I live so far away from home. It is great to be around people who really love you. It is nice to feel that non-judgmental feeling radiating from everyone. Sadly I haven't felt this in so long. I miss Stony in some ways. The people that I knew there were all wonderful people. They helped me become more self confident, and the loved me for who I am. I have to say even though I don't talk to them too much, each time I hear anyone who I considered a friend from Stony is doing well it really makes me happy inside.

At Stevens I had to repress a lot of my personality in order to get through not being bothered. Everyone judged you by your grades, what your past times were, what your major was, what you looked like. No one really cared if you were the kindest person in the world or if you were the meanest person in the world. It sucked. I learned a lot and feel confident about my studies but that is all I can say I took from there.

I am feeling so much more like myself finally. It is really a great feeling. I am so happy to just be with my family this Christmas it makes me feel a little silly.

So for everyone out there, I hope you have a wonderful Christmas! I hope you just have a great happy time! You might not get everything you want, but times are tough and sometimes even just having that silly day off can be a blessing!

Alcohol

In my family alcohol has always been something used to have fun.
For example celebrations.
It is used as a social lubricant, or just to let loose.

If there is a problem no one in my family drinks.
I remember when I was younger, our family was going through a very tough time. I remember my mother drinking and getting drunk. My father wasn't around, and I had to handle the situation. My mother has never done that before or ever again. No one in my family has.

I think I decided at that time that handling stressful situations with alcohol is negative and unsuccessful. I am not saying that I am the best at stress control, or problem solving. But I make due with what I have. 

Recently has been a very tough time for me and my friends. The job market is bad, the classes are hard and there is too much work. Standards are being held to an unachievable height and personal drama seems to be sprouting up like weeds. Many of us are handling it the way I am. No sleep, no food just work. When your adviser tells you your work sucks, you smile and fix it. Hold it all inside. Curse the world and have the random moments when you are just not sure you can make it back to your room before you collapse on the floor crying.

Then, there are some of us who are handling it with alcohol. They drink themselves happy? Or drink away their problems? I am not sure what is the point.

A friend told me recently that she found out the dog breeder that she was going to buy a dog from was actually pretty much a puppy mill. Her way of handling it was drinking herself into a belligerent state. Apparently so bad that her roommate commented on her behavior the next day in a very negative way.

I hear similar stories like this more often then I would like to admit. It worries me. I am sure I was brainwashed in school. It is what they are best at. But a story like that just doesn't sit right inside of me.

My father told me one thing to be aware of when I decide to settle down with a man. "Find someone who doesn't drink. Find someone who does not deal with their problems using alcohol. All alcohol does is cause problems."

My father is always correct, and he would not lie to me.

Doc uses alcohol to deal his problems.

Procrastinating

Well I am totally going to eat my words from a post a while ago.
Doc and I are back together. This makes me happy! We had a talk, and it ends up he was just being stupid and pig headed. He ended up being my late valentines day person and got me this super neat thing:



You drop this thing in the tea pot with hot water and a flower blooms out of the thing. Pretty neat!! I heard it is good tea as well.

Also, yours truly finally has a fucking job! Nice pay and I'll be close by still, not as close as I am at school but like 5-10 minute difference by train. I am now a Schering Ploug representative! I am pretty excited about moving out on my own, but then also really scared. I need to start looking at apartments and stuff.

I got a 5k starting bonus, and I want to go on vacation, who wants to go???

Anyways, this new found job means Ruky is a lazy asshole who doesn't want to do anymore work if it is hard. It is so hard to focus anymore. =/

And now for the most horrible news.
My baby died. My parents put her to sleep like 2 days before I came home. I knew she was dead. I miss her so much. Relationships with dogs are just so much easier than with people. My best friend is dead.



RIP Goldie Han. I love you sweetheart!


Feb. 11th, 2009

New place to go to add to the list:

The Morgan Library and Museum



http://www.themorgan.org/public/programByCategory.asp?id=Film

Free movies!!


And something I wish I could go see but I have class at that time =/

Christiane Joy (the designer, famously known as Karen O’s costume creator), is having a show opening this Thursday night in NYC. It’s open invite, no rsvp necessary, just show up (very punk rock- love that).




http://www.christianjoy.us/costumes.html

Interesting concept: “The artist’s friends and family were invited to present her with a written description of a female being. She then designed costumes to represent each being, gave the costumes to her friends, and had them incorporate the costume into a photograph or creation of their own. The result of it all is found in The Visitors Must Be Amused.”

I hear space is literally limited tho’, so get there early:  Thursday, Feb. 12, 6-9 pm

 

AUDIO VISUAL ARTS (AVA)

34 East 1st Street

New York, New York 10003

 

After party to follow at Arlo & Esme 42 E. 1st St. b/w 2nd & 3rd Ave.

If you go take lots of pictures so I can see too!

** totally stolen from MissBehave.com

Feb. 6th, 2009

Okay so I totally don't get it, I sleep like 7-9 hours a night every night and I still have the most ridiculous circles!!!


So I guess I have to start sleeping more? Or maybe I went so long with out sleeping that this is what happened. Well I guess I could do the hipster thing and go with huge glasses!


I noticed recently I take a lot of pictures of things that I think are great but I never do anything with them. I take a lot of these pictures with my phone though. I think it is because in most instances I have my phone with me and it conveniently has a camera attached. This makes me want to buy a new camera because mine is so big and bulky. My camera is not broken so I feel guilty buying a new camera, but then I never use my camera so it will never break. It is a vicious cycle.

These days I am looking for really neat events that I can go to and have tons of fun at. In Philly the first Friday of every month there is an event known as "First Friday."  A whole bunch of art galleries in old city open their doors to the public at night. Everyone wanders around from gallery to gallery looking at the new art and collecting the free booze that is offered at most galleries. I want to go to more events like that! Even though they sound totally silly I had a lot of fun!

So I have decided that I really like Lilly Allen. I think she has the cutest cheery face and she isn't too horrible as a singer. Maybe I just think she is cute.
I really like this song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TDQHEWQWemA

In other news, Doc is apparently in Afghanistan. He called me before he left, but I was at a friends. I told him I would talk to him on the next day, never talked to him, but he sent me a bunch of text messages saying he was leaving and an email.  So I never got to talk to him. I am kind of worried but there is nothing I can do so I just have to forget about it. 

My baby is still alive at least! She is getting really weak though and I am worried about her. I decided dogs really are amazing creatures. Goldie loves me the most out of everyone in my family. I hate to say it but I think I love her the most out of all the dogs, she really is just like one of the family. I am away from her for such long times, and I only get to see her for abbreviated periods of time. She is obviously dying, and yet every time I come home she is so happy. Like all the time I spend away doesn't matter in the least bit. She is never upset with me when I leave and come back. She always looks so cheery when I come back, even if it is just me coming back from being outside with out her. She lays her head in my lap falls asleep just like always. I think if people were more like dogs the world would be a little happier. I think I am going to try to be more like my dog when dealing with emotions. I also need to work on my puppy eyes!!


I wish I could bring her to school with me. I honestly wish she was a lap dog so I could bring her to class, and to work. Take her every where with me! 
I hope that when she goes to sleep I can be there. The last thing I want her to see is me happy to be with her, and I want to scratch her ears the way she likes. I don't think anyone else is as good at Goldie ear scratching as I am!



New Routine

So I still have my job! Which is very good because I am starting to run low on money.

So now my schedule is pretty much as follows:
Monday - Thursday : night class
Tuesday - Thursday : afternoon research
Tuesday - Thursday : working in the morning

I have decided I am going to start going to the gym maybe. Or at least start doing my work out routine, sit ups and push ups.

I am going to try to be more social too. Okay that is a total lie, I'm not going to run up and star talking to people but I might smile every once in a while.

I think I need to start coming up with a list of things to do as well.

Start of my list:

I have never been to the Guggenheim, i want to go. I want to go to the First Friday event they have
http://www.guggenheim.org/new-york/membership/member-programs/first-fridays

I also have never been to the Rubin Museum of Art, they offer a pretty neat thing on Fridays where they play a movie and its free as long as you do a $7 drink minimum
http://www.rmanyc.org/index.xml?context=/


Gotta keep building on it!

I think I need to start taking pictures and posting them.

long couple of weeks

I think my grammar skills and communication skills are very weak, so I decided to post a little more and maybe this will help me work on those long forgotten skills.

In the last couple of weeks I have had quite a few things to do.
1.         School started, and with this being my last semester I have to prove to the school that I can graduate with both degrees by the end of this semester.
2.         I had my first second interviews, one for Schering Plough and one for PSEG. 
3.         I decided my relationship with Doc was not working, and broke up with him.

 

way too much writingCollapse )

 

I am pretty sure no one reads this anymore. I guess I just have a lot of stuff on my mind and I want to let it out.

I am so scared that I'm going to graduate and get a job doing something I dislike. I go for like 2 interviews a week and all of them sound amazing when the interviewer is sitting in front of you telling you how great it will be working for their company. But they are promoting the company, I guess that is part of their job. By this time I feel like HR people are heartless puppets wandering the earth with plastic smiles glued to their faces.



Even the engineers who interview me act like there is something disconnected up top. I think I can also assume this wonderful bullshit they feed me is just so I can be tricked into working for low pay and not feel ripped off because "our company is great". I guess I have to start looking for jobs outside of what the school is finding for us.

On the good side of things I am almost a pro at interviewing. Going to so many interviews takes the edge off things and after a couple interviews you understand what these people want you to say. I think it is actually kind of funny that they never ask us about any real engineering knowledge. Its always about our leadership skills. To be completely honest I have no idea why they do this. Why do they need to know this about me? I am not being hired as a manager I am being hired as a entry level peon. I would honestly think that these people would find out if I demonstrate leadership skills when I'm working. Do they really think it is fun to feed me these questions?

Example of the worst question I got so far:
"Say you are a police officer. There is an accident and you are asked to take care of the situation, what do you do?"
Answer: "I am not applying to be a police officer. If I wanted to be a police officer I would NOT have gone to school for chemical/environmental engineering." Then stand up and walk out as quickly as possible.

Really what the fuck? I mean are you really going to learn anything about me from my response? We are all trained to respond to these fucking questions. It is stupid. Stupid Stupid Stupid. Why don't they ask me how I would calculate how much cooling water would be needed for a reactor with a exothermic reaction? How about how would I clean the purge stream in their plant to keep them within environmental regulation? What if they contaminate the groundwater, how many wells should we put in to make sure all the contaminate is cleaned out?

Sadly I did not have everything so well together when I interviewed with Sunoco. Well I guess that is good cause why would I want to be stuck in the oil industry, right? So far what looks most promising is the nuclear industry. I mean nuclear power is apparently coming back.  Not that this is what I want to do either.

I am looking at the EPA now, and anything else that looks interesting. For example those companies that go around and provide clean drinking water to third world countries.

I wonder about solar powered desalination plants....

Anyway, my life sucks. I can't wait for Thanksgiving so I can go home and eat and do NOTHING. The semester is almost over, 4 weeks left including finals. Then next semester I have night class 4 days a week and research. Fridays off and most likely nothing to do.  I kind of wish I still had friends now so I could do something with them next semester, but I will probably end up just hanging out in the library reading.

Doc has been gone a month now. I miss him. I haven't spoken to him in a month, I guess he is okay. I hope he comes back after 3 months instead of staying for a whole year. He will probably end up staying for the entire year.

defeated

Today I retook a final, a 4 hour final on a wednesday after class. I retook the final because last semester I was sick during the final, so I was allowed to retake it.
I noticed something, finals are much easier to take when they are not during finals week!
Well I guess I should do a quick update on my life.
This is my very last year in school, hopefully, and after this I should be working. As of right now I am not interested in getting a phd. So this means that much of my time right now is devoted to that horrible act of job searching. 
I have no idea where I want to end up. Or what I want to do. I think I want to work for the government, but I was told they do drug testing on your hair (stupid I know).  So, I wonder if they would get mad?
Now I am trying to figure out what it is I really wanna do. I think I want to go into research and development, maybe for weapons. Then I could end up as a weapons inspector! Or maybe I want to do some sort of clean up/remediation job. Travel around to post war zones and clean up all that toxic stuff that was left behind. Or maybe I could do something with drinking water in non american countries.
I am going to end up working in New Jersey for like Exxon or Johnson and Johnson stabbing myself in the eye just to pass the time. I can feel it. That isn't really what I want to do, but it is something I am qualified for and already know how to do.
I guess I need to start utilizing the internet for things other than clothes and weird stuff.
On another note, classes are not as bad as they were the last two semesters. I have tons of group work and my group pretty much rocks, mainly cause I stuck to my asians,  Also I think Doc will be gone for a while, a couple months or a year or something. So that means my weekends are totally free again!
So I am up to do whatever there is to do! I miss having friends so I hope they all come back to me!

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